I am MOM

I sit at times with my lovely daughter on my lap, by "on" I mean draping her gangling legs all over the place and hanging off of me since she is almost the same size as me, and think is this real? She has been in my life for seven years and still I feel like it is some dream. Like at any moment someone will step in and say, nope, your done babysitting. As if it this world of mine is just pretend. I don't feel old enough to be a mom, even at 30. Not that I am not mature or able, that is not the point. I just always imaged being a mother would feel different. Like I would get this tiny little person placed in my arms and suddenly be wise and aged like wine. I do occasionally feel a bit fermented, but I don't think that's what I'm going for either. I see other moms at school and think, I am not like any of these people. Typically they fall into two categories : That woman that shows up in the kitten heels, crisp button up shirt and perfectly coiffed hair or her counterpart: sweat pants, half slept in pony tail, being trailed by three crying kids in which she somewhat pretends are not hers at the moment. I stand on the blisteringly hot asphalt looking down at my converse, leading up to my low rise jeans, past my decorative belt buckle, and resting at my sesame street tee shirt. No, I am not like these woman. It makes you feel a bit awkward at times, but I can't change who I am. I watch " what not to wear" and think,"hmm, maybe they could turn me into a presentable mom". I consider it deeply. In the end I know in my heart that I can't walk in kitten heels and can't stomach the sweat pants. So I can only be what I am. These other moms can choose to love me or leave me. In the end it's more like stab me in the back. Still I try to fit into a role that I embrace with all of my being, even if I am the puzzle piece that will never fit in right. The one you contemplate throwing out, then just push in real hard. After a good push you will see I too fit in better than you thought I would.