High School? Where's the love?

I am an adult, at least that is what my drivers license tells me. I am as you noticed a mommy just like so many other grown up mommies. So why do I feel like I am in high school when ever I am around said grown up mommies. I am painfully aware that I am not like any of them, but I am OK with that. In fact I wouldn't really want to be like most of them. It's like the older we all get the more they need to hold onto petty fronts. They feel like they need to prove they are whatever they think people should perceive them to be. As if letting the facade drop for ten minutes would suck the youth out of them. They hide behind their false smiles and false interest just as they hide behind their Botox. Please don't pretend to be concerned about my life and I will pretend not to notice the shallows of your soul. As I stand at my daughters school it is just like high school, but worse. People stand cold and fixed a few feet away from one another, acting as if they are the only person breathing that air, or they stand engaged in meaningless conversations thinking how they would rather be the only person breathing that air. They all coexist, no one reaches out no one takes in, the just... exist.
It terrifies me that one day my child could turn into one of these transfixed hollow souls. I want her to love, reach out of herself. I want her to feel other peoples love, pain and happiness. I want her to feel her own happiness and even occasional pain. Most importantly I want her to feel she can share it with someone else! I want her to believe in friendship. I want her to be true and lay it all out on the table no matter what other people might think, because in the end you can only be loved for who you are and not for who you want others to perceive you are.
I might be odd, I might be different from the other mothers, but I am me. I am obnoxious and forward. I am sensitive but forgiving. I will say the things you wish you had and occasionally you wish I hadn't. I am embarrassing and proud. Once I love you I will never let it fade, no matter how much you hurt or betray me. Granted I might not talk to you anymore, but you will still fill my heart. I would give you all I could till it sucks the life out of me, and if you loose yours I will get a tattoo to feel you with me everyday. That is how it should be! Friendship should be blessing, not a chore. You shouldn't have to work to be loved and you should never have to work to give it.
I am lucky. I have a few friends that accept or shall I say pleasantly tolerate me just as I am. I have had a friend since I was 6 years old and holds my life history in her heart, I have been blessed by new friend that completes my family, I have mourned friends longer than I had the gift to hold them, I have met friends that I wish will fill in the blanks of my life. I think the most magical part of friendship isn't just being loved but loving back. There is something raw about opening your heart wide and allowing another person inside to do what they wish with it. So yes, some saying receiving love is the greatest gift, don't forget giving it. To receive love is easier than trusting someone to be kind to your heart in return.
So let go, open up and let me find my snugly spot, I'm here to stay!

okay I'm back!

So here I am again, typing, thinking. That can be a pretty bad combination I tell you. It has been some time since I have brought myself back to this place. There are perhaps a few reasons, none of them good. I guess in the end I am stuck against the wall in the haunting reality of actually doing something with my words. Letting them escape from my mind and into yours is so frightening. Like those dreams when you are nude in front of the whole class and your penis is too small or you didn't shave. Something potentially scarring like that. I want to be heard, I want to call out but the echo can be overwhelming. So here I am, hoping all of my kind readers have not abandoned me as I have you. It was a moment, OK months of weakness, I'm sorry! I vow to suck it up and be what I need to be, a writer. It is in me trying to escape, pouncing on unsuspecting friends during e mails. Now truly that is no way to treat my delicate rants, is it? So hold on: I'm back! I apologize in advance for any times I have or will offend you.