More times I wanted to crawl in a hole!

Do you ever hear things coming out of your kids mouths and instinctively want to cram it back in, or even pinch them really hard? This is my life. These moments of horror are filled in with moments that have to look at my daughter and just shake my head. So now i will dictate out a few of the old mommy traumatic conversations:
We are at Discount tire speaking with a very sweet old lady. I am certain she has left some cookies baking in the oven. My little girl is about 2 1/2 at this time. The lady is marveling at how well my daughter speaks. In her marvel she naively engages her in a discussion about what a big girl she is.
" You are very smart. Such a big girl."
Me," Thank you"
"She speaks so well and is absolutely beautiful" My daughter is dancing in the glory of these compliments by now.
Me," Thank you, the trick is getting her to stop!"
Her'" I'm a big girl. My mommy is a big girl too. My Daddy has a big penis"
" Excuse me dear?'" No doubt a breath away from reciting a hail Mary.
Me," Come over hear dear and let this nice lady have some peace and quite"
I attempt to appear unnerved as I scoop her up and venture outside to find Daddy. As the door closes I swear I hear the sound of nails on a rosary, but I could be paranoid!

After a very lengthy afternoon of nonstop gabbing from my beloved little one, we stop for lunch. Daddy runs in to grab our food, seeing as I don't eat in public (acknowledging the craziness here give me credit). I suggest , OK I may have used a slightly threatening tone, that my daughter not talk for the next five minutes. Something about mommy on the verge of an aneurysm. Minute 1, she does well, minute 2 holding on, minute 3 a bit fidgety, minute 4 about to burst from within. I actually hear a whistling sound coming out of her ears, maybe not. Minute 5 " SOOOOOOO, what do you know about squirrels, I know they eat nuts and stuff!!!!" all in one breath. All I can do is turn and look at her. The weirdest part is we live in the desert. I don't think she has even really seen a squirrel before.

One day we head out to the new shiny Smith's down the street. Nothing interesting happens so I will jump to the check out line. It seems to always go down in the check out line! The nice cashier in her crisp new vest, complete with fold lines, offers my girl a sticker and asks how she is doing. " I'm good. I start school soon and my Daddy's at the psych hospital!" The woman's Chiclet smile twitches a bit and she uncomfortably looks my way." NO! NO! Daddy is helping to build the psych hospital!!" Then I have to blurt out the hole story about his going to help put the finishing touches on the mental hospital opening next week. I don't think I inhaled between sentences because I was dizzy and sweating as we walked away. So now that he is building the prison we made sure to teach her " Daddy is BUILDING the prison, not AT the prison".

We have always been honest with our daughter about body parts. As you can tell by the penis episode before mentioned. We only give her information we find suitable for her age. People assume that since she knows vagina that she knows some gratuitous information on the part. Totally not the case, until.... When I was pregnant with sweet little DD I would receive the emails detailing the growth of the baby, how fat your feet should be and the best way to treat those pesky hemorrhoids. You know the emails! They have the side profile drawing of the baby's development in the uterus. My daughter loved to see that her brother finally had legs or eyelashes. So one day we are looking at the profile of Jane pregnant lady. My daughters eyes squint a bit and she gets a weird look on her face. Her porcelain face smooths as she is filled with a moment of clarity. " Mommy, did you know the baby is going to come out of your vagina??? Are you ready for that?!?!?!?!" She peers at me a bit nervous and somewhat disturbed. I try to scan the page for the word " vagina", nowhere. " So, how did you figure that out? " My six year old looks at me like I'm an idiot for thinking she is an idiot, at this point we are visually insulting each other. " I just looked at the picture. It seems to be the only way out. It's gonna hurt you!"
" Yes, I am aware of the hurting thing. Thanks"